Good morning from New York City. Before I get started this morning, I want to say that I am publishing Dear Constance on Tuesdays and Fridays. You can count on that at this point. I may miss it occasionally, but it’s Tuesdays and Fridays. I’ve noticed that my listenership has fallen off a little bit and I know that’s because I’ve been inconsistent, so I thought it worth mentioning that it’s Tuesdays and Fridays.
On to what I’m thinking about. I woke up this morning and in my quiet time the conversation I had with a friend recently popped into my head and I think there’s something here worth sharing. She was talking about her desire to get involved in helping children in need in a town where she owns a second home. Now when she started to tell me about it, my instinct was to say just do it. It’s the second time you’ve told me. But I did the wait – why am I talking? thing to myself and I just listened.
As she was talking about it, one of the things that came out of her mouth was that she was concerned that the people in her town would wonder why she was interested and she went so far as to say they’re probably jealous of their work and they’re going to wonder why I’m interested . Instead of telling her what I thought, I just asked her what kinds of things she was interested in and I got her to talk to me a little bit about it. I wanted her to get into that feeling state around this thing that I know that she desires. It’s the second time she’s told me and it’s been a whole year between the two conversations.
Anyway, eventually I said to her you know, it’s an egocentric thing to be worried about what they’re going to think about you. I knew that caught her off guard and she said what do you mean it’s egocentric? – because in her mind she wants to be philanthropic. That’s something I learned when I was all up in my head about a project I was working on some years ago. The person who I was looking to for guidance said that to me, and at the time it didn’t make sense to me either. The way they explained it was this. If you bring a mindset of service and you’re only focused on serving the people who you’re speaking to – an audience, a client, or the recipient of a philanthropic endeavor – if your heart is in a place of service, you’re only thinking about them. Not what they’re going to think about you, not if they like you and that sort of thing.
We had a nice conversation but I woke up thinking about it this morning and I said, I really want to get my point across to her so I wrote her a WhatsApp message – you know, I love my WhatsApp – and the main points I told her were this. She can’t control other people’s reactions. What she can control is her language and the spirit in which she approaches these people. The people who are doing the most important – the best philanthropic work, the good work- they love when you show interest.They love any chance to talk about what they do. And being seen, being acknowledged and showing up with curiosity and interest in people’s work is a gift.
So anyway, I encouraged her to use curiosity as her operating system and I gave her some language around it. But one of the points I want to make here is that when you have an idea, a recurring thought – this idea, this desire – you’ve got to get out of your head and into action. All it takes is one single message that says, I’m interested in learning more about X, or I’m interested in making a contribution around this area. I’m open to any thoughts and ideas you might have. Our job is simply to put it out into the world, to craft the message, and to take that step forward and then to see what comes back.
Another thing I want to mention here is I think when you’re thinking about, for example in this case that people are going to be jealous or territorial about the work they’re doing, that can be a reflection of you and your own thinking. Like maybe you’re the one who’s territorial and jealous of your things. That’s one thing to think about. The other thing is that if that’s what you’re putting out in your thoughts, you’re likely to attract that type of person. Whereas if you’re operating from a place of interest and curiosity and wanting to listen, you’re much more likely to attract the person or the project that is meant for you.
The last thing I’ll say is this. My friend is a creativity machine. She is really brilliant, and I think she was getting a little bit ahead of herself. She was worried about how much commitment it would be. She was thinking about the ideas she had. And I said to her, your job is simply to show up, show curiosity, ask questions and listen. You need to put it out there and simply trust that the person or the project that is aligned with the spirit of what you’re bringing to this will show up. I truly believe that. That’s been my experience and I’ve made mistakes along the way. I’ve gone into projects (I’ve talked about this in the past) with this idea of what I think they need or I’ve been thinking about. I’m not sure if this project is worthy of me putting my name on it. There was a misalignment. I was in my head, and even though my heart was in a good place, I was operating too much from a place of ego and I made some mistakes.
Anyway, I think I’m sharing this also because I think of all of the ideas and good intentions that just get stuck in our head. If you’ve been thinking about something or if you’ve thought about something more than once, it’s a good idea to just craft your message and put it out there and see what comes back. I love that quote by Iman Al Shafi, I think is the name. My heart is at ease, knowing what is meant for me will never miss me, and that which misses me was never meant for me.
I’ll leave you with that thought for today. Until next time, from my heart to yours.
